Category Archives: teach.

norman rockwell – easter morning

normon rockwell

he really is very good.

beats the drawings i did today on the interactive whiteboard for science:

shut up, i couldn't see the board because the sun was shining on it. normally i'm not that bad. they all knew what i was talking about anyway.


the piano.

so i was visiting a school a couple of weeks and wandered around the year 5/6 classrooms in the middle of literacy. they were all watching this video and i was immediately mesmerised by the score. it was made for the amelie music, but copyright wank (read the youtube details for the background). anyway, the government has it online for use as a story scene in english.

obviously, it makes for excellent learning.

worst day of teaching. ever.

ugh, feel like crapola. will give details tomorrow or something, i need a beer.


broke up 2 fist fights (proper punching in face fights) between year 5 boys (10 yr olds)

had to give a warning to a kid after he threatened to “stab up” another boy in the class (again y5)

basically i got pwned by a bunch of 10yr olds. normally i dominate and feel leet, today i feel like a noob.

worst. school. ever.

[edit] god, it’s been a few days and the thought of going to that place fills me with tummy butterflies. unfortunately, i have to go back on thursday (to the same class) and friday (to a year 6 class, normally worse, especially this time of year – think s.a.t.s.). was back at a lovely catholic school today but still had to deal with a douche throwing a tantrum (as well as all his p.e. stuff) after i told him he couldn’t play rugby (tard had been faking a leg injury all morning to get sympathy, then says he faked it, wants to play sports…lol)

on friday i went to an infant school and taught year r (reception, 5yr olds) in the morning, and then got sent to the nursery in the afternoon. when i was told they were sending me to preschool (3-4 yrs), i instinctively made this face:

[that’s a 2011 meme caused by the ‘tide goes in, tide goes out‘ fiasco btw and now stands for any wtf are you talking about? moment]

unlucky for me, i made the face in spitting distance from the headteacher. i tried a recovery but i don’t think it took. so basically i spent the entire afternoon on friday: checking my phone, checking the clock, washing my hands (after touching 4 year olds) and chasing a kid around who had ‘bowel issues’ just so i could fart near him and get away with it. oh, and i was also on ‘mouth watch’ with a girl (oral fixation) who could barely talk but put anything she finds into her mouth to investigate (stones, plastic, etc). after 3 of us were sure she was safe she coughed up a choking-hazard-size plastic bead she had pulled off another child’s shoe. and eaten.

oh and it was red nose day and i was the only one in a school of 300 not wearing red.

2 names to add to the stupidly-named-kids list:

* bo (boy)

* hennessy (yes like the drink, girl)



back after half term, teaching year 5/6 (10/11yrs) in a local catholic school. after a shocking maths lesson (some of them couldn’t tell the time) we moved onto science.

i had to bite my tongue as i told the children the activity: to discover the properties of magnets.

you should know the meme by now, but i could barely keep a straight face for about 5 mins. other highlights of the day include:

* pwning some kids about how crap codblops is and how prestige 2 isn’t that good anyway.

* that before half term, the school had a sponsored ‘dress like a teacher day’. a teacher mentioned one of the year 2 kids came dressed as me (year 2 = 6/7 yr olds, i’ve only taught them a couple of times) i guessed the outfit (bald wig, glasses) ding ding ding! there’s a photo apparently so i’ll upload it if i can sneak a copy and blur faces.

* i got the evaluation forms back from the inset training i did. gushing is an understatement. “amazing” “absolutely fantastic” “you are a natural ict trainer” “outstanding” etc. collars are currently being popped. i’ll put the stats in later this week once i table them for an advert to other schools.

* most schools are year 6 sats crazy now, but not this one. we spent the whole 2 hours in the afternoon sewing bunting and making posters for the ‘fairtrade fornight‘. tomorrow is a skipping day for healthy schools and on wednesday i’m taking them around the local area to put the fairtrade shiz up on the streets.

* oh and singing along to tinie tempah when it came on the radio:

i only know the first bit: “these haters couldn’t get to where i am with a full tank of petrol. my uncle used to drink a can of kestrel, when life got stressful

i’m umming and aaahing about another idea for tomorrow. in a 30 rock liz rewards the writing team by having a one minute dance party (couldn’t find the clip but this should give you an idea). i might try the same tomorrow with this:


as far as i know, today is the only day i’ve used a dnb lyric to chastise a misbehaving child.

i was a bit worried about a year 6 class this morning, so i decided to come down hard. supply is sometimes like the advice you get going into prison; you have to take down the biggest motherfucker first to show the others. anyway, some douche was chatting after i told him to stop, warned him etc. it didn’t work and for some reason i thought of the lyric from chase and status. i explained that he’d lose some of his break time if he didn’t cut the shit and told him:

“it’s no problem for me. but it’s a problem for you.”

it worked quite well actually (with added index finger pointing for emphasis). the rest of the day was uneventful. apart from the register (again i know but these kids have stupid names). i usually ask if they have a nickname they’d prefer (e.g. samuel to sam, johnathan to joey-jo-jo shabadoo jnr). anyway going down the list i came across billie-jay. hmmm. i stifled a laugh and greeted billy good morning. the next kids name, and i shit you not, was enis (like dennis).

i think he could tell i was smiling, but i quickly moved onto the next child. i was then able to maintain good behaviour throughout the day by telling stories of shark attacks (we were researching coastal areas in ict) and laughing at the poor kill/death ratios of the year 6 boys in call of duty.


had my first job this morning for my new company. it went very, very well.

i was kicking so much ass i even got a round of applause at the end. and i may have secured my next job as a result. cha-motherfucking-ching, inc.

oh, and that pic is the tsar bomba. you should know this.



a good example showing how tough it is to learn english. i had a kid in my class last year who’s first language was swahili – the letter sounds are similar to english, but the vowels are mixed. we had a nightmare.

even southern pronunciation is a bitch. i was reading an xmas story/poem to a year 1 class (about 6 years old) and it uses rhyming couplets. can’t remember the exact verse but it’s something like:

by the straw and next to the grass,

the tired, weary and sleepy ass,

sat down by the manger etc etc

that involves me saying ass, instead of arse. and i have to stifle a smile. and i still smile when someone is absent on monday and has packed lunch on tuesday/wednesday because it spells A/S/S in the register.

and in case you were wondering, about half the schools i know teach the classic ‘look, cover, write’ method (that i was taught as a kid) and the other half teach the new method where you learn banks of words that have similar suffixes. yep, it’s still hellaboring.