zomg, lady gaga is shit.

P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face (mum mum mum mah) P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face (mum mum mum mah)

"p-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face (mum mum mum mah) p-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face (mum mum mum mah)"

after putting all the children’s answers on a spreadsheet, i thought i should learn some 8yr old pop culture.

so i got a copy of ‘the fame’. i’d heard her name kicking about for a few months so assumed there would be at least one track i’d like/understand what the hype is about.

here’s the track listing:

just dance – basically a track about a drunk slut in a club, dancing. i don’t know what a “playboy mouth” is, but i think it has something to do with cock.

lovegame – um. i don’t know what “i want to take a ride on your disco stick” means, but i think it has something to do with cock.

paparazzi – another disaster. she actually wrote “i’ll be your girl backstage at your show, my lashes are dry, purple tear drops i cry, it don’t have a price, loving you is cherry pie, cause you know that baby i”.

beautiful dirty rich – i haven’t heard the phrase “pornographic dance fight” before, but i think it has something to do with cock.

eh eh (nothing else i can say) – this is one of the worst songs i’ve ever heard. i don’t understand it, she starts off talking about a break up, not wanting to hurt his feelings then “sings” “i have something that i love long long, but my friends keepa tellin’ me that somethings wrong, then i met someone, and eh there’s nothing else i can say”. who is she talking about when her friends tell her somethings wrong? the boy she just dumped? who’s she just met?

poker face – i have no words. except that i think “i wanna roll with him a hard pair” has something to do with cock.

the fame – ugh. this makes no sense. the first part of the song: “i can’t help myself, i’m addicted to a life of material, it’s some kind of joke, i’m obsessively opposed to the typical” sounds like a heartfelt statement, problems with materialism etc. she then “sings” “all we care about is runway models, cadillacs and liquor bottles, give me something i wanna be, retro glamour hollywood, yes, we live for the”. i see the problem, she wants to move her life towards something real, something bigger than fame. something like ‘retro glamour hollywood’. i could probably write, in fact i know edthebear could too because we both read american studies, a couple of thousand words on the materialism of ‘retro hollywood’ off the tops of our heads. and ‘retro glamour hollywood’ is surely an extreme form of materialism. it’s new things made and bought on the basis that they look like old things that used to be made and bought.

money honey – a song which says having things is cool, but being fucked by her man is the ‘real’ money.

again again – so poorly produced i almost cried. but does have the line: “when you’re ’round, i lose myself inside your mouth”. the rest of it is about fucking.

boys boys boys – i don’t know what “you taste just like glitter, mixed with rock and roll” means, but again, probably cock related.

brown eyes – awful. can someone explain “if everything was everything but everything is over, everything could be everything if only we were older” please?

summerboy – the fourth line is “c-c-c-crazy, ah, get your ass in my bed”. the last line of the chorus is “bikini tops, coming off”.

and last but not least, track 13, called…i like it rough. which despite the name, is actually a fascinating insight into the nature of her attraction to emotionally abusive relationships. as she puts it: “and i’m a hard girl, loving me is like chewing on pearls” and, later “and i’m a hard girl, loving me is like straightening curls”. don’t bother counting, she “sings” “i, i like it rough” 24 times.

i’ve heard britney. i’ve heard xtina. i know the works of gwen stefani. they all have at least a few good tracks. even ladyhawke’s album wasn’t that bad. but this is so shit. i despair that children i’m going to be teaching like this tosh and will happily pick lady gaga apart, in detail, ignoring the tears of 8yr olds as i expose the fake, shallow nature of their idol.

on a lighter note, her wikipedia entry is worth a read – if only for the ‘influences’ bit. she’s apparently inspired by david bowie, queen, michael jackson and madonna. hmmm. inspired…kind of like the way when i took a embarrassingly bad shit the other day it was “inspired” by kung po king prawn with far too much chilli.

oh and if you’re wondering where the name comes from:

“one day, music producer rob fusari, who helped gaga write some of her earlier songs, compared her vocal style to that of freddie mercury. he nicknamed her gaga, after the queen song “radio ga ga.” she began to use it as her stage name and was known thereafter as lady gaga.”

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