it’s coming together.

i'd prefer a stickman.

i'd prefer a stickman.

i think i’m going to like it here. i was a bit annoyed when the closest chinese didn’t make kung po in the proper way, but you can’t have everything.

american psycho

i made the mistake of going to ikea yesterday morning and i realised that for me ikea is like that bit near the end of american psycho. the secretary goes into this office, opens the diary and sees these horrendous things and it just keeps getting worse as the pages turn. i’ve only ever been to ikea once, in 2003 and i don’t remember it. so i went into the ground floor, saw all these high shelves full of stuff and went over to pick a trolley. i asked the guy where the sofabeds were and he explained they’re all in the showroom upstairs. so up i went and somehow ended up walking the wrong way round. anyway, i found the sofabeds and saw one i liked and looked at the label which said to remember the number, 203.499.42. i’m pretty good at remembering these things but thought it was too much to ask on an empty stomach so i wandered around looking for help/someone to do it for me and followed the arrows back to the entrance where the way to do things (with the pencil and the card) was explained to me. so round i went, trying to avoid following the arrows to keep some self esteem and taking shortcuts to beat the system. but then the droning ‘special offer’ announcements over the p.a. started to hypnotise me as i looked at words that didn’t make sense like poang and ekehart and fuckwank. or whatever. i came across what i call, tim bennett chairs (when we were in a house in hillingdon our landlord had these sweet chairs) and i decided i’d buy one. you think you could buy a chair. but no. after a couple of minutes of putting on my ‘i need help’ footwork-and-facial-expression-dance-for-attention, i saw a sign that said something like: “here’s how it works, you pick a type of wood, the pick the cover you want”. seems a little complicated but i can appreciate the choice.

after looking at most things on that floor and realising that my blood sugar was low (which meant i couldn’t remember what i needed) i focussed on a coffee table and clothes hanger thing. as i walked around i stopped looking at things and was able to snap out of the trance and look at the people instead. the newlyweds, the just-moved-out-of-home’s, the twats. i’m not like them, i don’t want to be like them and when i saw something i liked and saw the rats move toward it i couldn’t help think that i don’t want to have the same shit as all these other tards. i would like some originality in my life. but ikea shit is cheap and i’d driven to southampton so i wanted to at least leave with the chair and table. i went down another floor, and by now i was feeling a bit sick from hunger and thoughts of ‘fight club’ and the bit in american psycho were going round and round in my head. i wanted to scream at the idiots – don’t you realise soylent green is people! but i knew they wouldn’t listen. i decided to gtfo and whenever i saw something and thought ‘i haven’t seen that before, it looks nice’ i clenched my fists and fought the urge. but it wouldn’t end. floor after floor of stuff (‘i didn’t know they sold that’ ‘i should have bought that here instead, it’s a lot cheaper’, ‘fuck, they sell baby shit too?’) i found a metal bar with legs called a clothes hanger thing and wrote down the number and ran away. they didn’t have the clothes hangar in stock but i did get the tim bennett chair. and it’s sweet i have to admit. while i was waiting for a lift i started chatting to a girl about how much i hated ikea, she felt the same. we both stood guilty behind our sort-of-filled trolleys. as i got out of the lift i realised that i had sent her to the wrong floor and she had to run back before the lift closed. my bad.

when i got back to the flat i spent a couple of hours putting it together, glaring at instructions and thinking why it doesn’t tell you when you buy it, you need a hammer. or that you need a rug because the coffee table legs are made of shit and are falling apart underneath and will ruin your floor (i put a towel down). i’ve unpacked about half my stuff now, set up the amp and put the books out.

last night the oven broke. the first time i’d used it. i set the correct time, turned it on and then turned around and it switched itself of and i can’t work out how to turn it back on. which means i have no food. i didn’t mention before that when i was signing the contract the landlord showed me the inventory and i asked where the washing machine and fridge were that were promised by the agents. he looked at me. then he explained that they have tons of properties and have never put those in. to shorten a long story, i’m getting a call back tomorrow morning from the agency after their meeting to give me a decision on what they’re going to do after i told them i had already started a claim with the office of fair trading (i got game). of course they are going to try and bum me, but i’ve got the rest of the month off to fuck with them.

despite all that, walking around yesterday by the sea, looking at the ships and the waves was really relaxing. i’ve started taking photos again and think i could make a life next-few-years-here.

portsmouth isn’t all bad.


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