i live in the countryside and i see a lot of horses/riders. they waste my time. they slow me down. face it – horses have devolved. i don’t mind reminiscing about them, they were cool once. the various types of cavalry ruled and the armour was splendid, their bravery and ability was something to marvel. that all ended, and i think it was when the polish tried to use them against tanks in ww2. now they act like cowards.
in this particular part of england (west sussex to be precise) we have countless fields and hedgerows, hills and downs and the phrase ‘bridal path’ is frequently heard over a pint of tanglefoot. our heritage imprinted by narrow lanes and ill-fitting roads caressing the worked landscape. so why, why does it seem every fucking weekend whenever i try to get into town i have to slow down from 55mph (90km/h – its petrol efficient) to 10mph?
is it because these once great steeds have been reduced to carrying badly dressed twats slowly on short cuts about town? i see signs dotting my local roads with ‘we don’t dent, we die‘. i always wonder how big a dent i could get away with, or failing that, how fast i would have to go to be sure of killing them.
the romans recorded methods of preparing horses for battle. it involved riding them in the ring toward groups of soldiers battering shields with sword shouting ‘come on you fucking pussy’ to teach these otherwise walking family bbq’s not to fear what was obviously certain death.
so what went wrong? what’s the difference between seeing a flaming ball of tar, cannon shot or artillery shell fly past a horse as they ride toward death (and not bolting the rider) and me in my little red car trying to get shit done? i can only imagine in the event of horse-death its a property nightmare involving paperwork, insurance claims and court time for the riders – versus me saving 5 mins per journey every weekend.
lets do the math. thats 3mins per journey, average of 4 a weekend x 4 x 12 = 9 hours a year. of my life i can’t get back and in return i get a half-arsed wave from some tosser who feels superior because ‘nature is their mp3 player’. enough i say.
if we ate horses things would be different. i would not swear repeatedly under my breath each of those journeys causing untold stress. thousands would survive in ambulance-slowing-down-fiascos. public perception would be different. in an impending sense of change, riders may once again train their horses to be brave.
its the future people. horses are the past. lets eat some. millions of other people do. the meat is probably quite lean.
*next time, why we should eat dolphins. (and yes, for those who know me and that i was a vegetarian for years, it may seem and odd topic to write about.)